Archive for January 1, 2008

Happy New Year!

I toasted in the New Year with sparkling peach juice. Yeah, I know. The store was sold out of my regular libation, sparkling grape juice. I should have gotten it earlier, but the new year kinda snuck up on me and sprang out and grabbed me before I was ready. The young lady at the checkout counter asked me for my ID. I was startled, to say the least. With a less than vigorous exercise program and a life spent avoiding frowning, I don’t look a day over 45, but still….

“You need an ID for sparkling peach juice? I know it’s probably nasty, (editorial comment: I was right on that part) but I didn’t think it required an ID to buy it.”

“Awwwwww, man, I thought it was wine. I’ve been asking for ID on these juice bottles ALL DAY!” Obviously a very conscientious young lady who is doing a wonderful job for the corporation. She asked for my ID. Give her a HUGE raise! Maybe even a vice presidency!

This morning (afternoon?) I read the label. Sparkling peach juice is imported from Sweden. Sweden? Here I thought it probably came from Georgia. No wonder it tasted funny. It was probably overflowing with healthy ingredients. Now I’m going to have to make a doctor’s appointment to make sure that imbibing a drink from a socialist country hasn’t somehow infected me with wanting the government to take care of me and relieve me entirely of that onerous responsibility. This can be a life-threatening disease and must be ruthlessly removed when an infection sets in because it rapidly progresses to dementia and supporting liberal candidates for election.

SwampMan is safe from the contagion. He declined to toast in the New Year on the grounds that sparkling peach juice and pizza were two food groups that Gawd did not intend to go together. This year, unlike past years, he did stay awake until the stroke of midnight just for me, grumped “Happy New Year. Are you happy now? I’m going to bed.” and left me to scribble New Years Resolutions all alone (aka my battle campaign for the coming months) on a spare piece of paper. He should have stayed awake. Several pertained to the self-improvement campaign for him.

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