Goodness, the Park Service has gone out of its way to be really enthusiastic little brown nosers in a competition about who can screw the public over harder while the government argument over spending our grandchildren’s money at a faster or slower rate is ongoing. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised given the initials of the Tantrumer in Chief. I did not previously realize that BHO stood for “Butthole”. He was probably called that a lot as a child and took it to heart.
Ha ha, National Park Service! The folks that are “nonessential” are not out there earning enmity forever from the folks that live around them. Oh, we’ll remember who you are. Plus they (and by “they” I mean the non-asshole park employees) get paid anyway without having to piss off Vietnam vets who could put a punji pit in their front yard. Sucks to be you.
In the meantime, here are a few fun things you can do as a family during the government refusal of national monuments. I bet you can think of even more fun things! If you have a great idea, post it!
1. Help your children make flags and banners. On those flags and banners, put something like “The NPS Claims This Land In the Name of Our Drama Queen of D.C.” Glue on pictures of BHO. Encourage the kids to make colorful crowns for her head. If they’re older, they can decorate it with female hygiene products. I really hate to leave Harry Reid out, though. I suppose we should make a banner for Princess Harry, the Prima Donna of the Senate, too.
2. Take hundreds of printed out sheets to glue/tape/staple to the barricades of closed areas. If it were me, I’d say something like “CLOSED Because Obama Says Fuck You, America!” Your kids are going to love posting pictures to FaceBook. Caution them about IRS audits.
3. Stop at a closed site. When you get hassled by park police, tell them that the kids are sick. Offer the kids $10.00 if they can stick their finger down their throat and vomit out the window on the shoes of the park employee while they’re attempting to ticket you.
4. Use the “closed by order of Federal Government Shut Down” signs for target practice.
5. Tell the kids they have a minute to knock down as many yellow cones as possible, then quick load up and take off. Knock down the rest with the vehicle.
6. Take the kids to the national monuments in D.C. Tell them the game is that the Park Police are zombies, and they must run as fast as possible to the monuments to be safe and they must not allow the Park Police to catch them and infect them with their mindlessness. Meanwhile, the parents will follow them slowly and call out something like “Blane! Madison! Come back to Mommy this minute!” which is code for “run faster, they’re gaining on you” while Billy Bob and Sarah scamper toward the monuments.
7. Knock down every damn traffic cone blocking an attraction. If a park service person starts bitching at you, say “Cones? Yeah, there are cones all OVER the road! That’s a traffic hazard! I demand you remove them at once.”
8. Start a Cone of National Park Denial collection. See how many you can acquire. Trade them with your friends. Give them away to foreigners trying to visit the attraction. Tell them that they are U.S. Park souvenirs. Write the name of the attraction they are blocking on there for them.