SOTU by TOTUS

Waiting for the SOTU. SwampMan went to bed but he’s betting on 60 uses of “I”. Piker. I had a 15 “uhhh” minimum which SwampMan says is ridiculously low. Hmmmmm. Well, I did say “minimum”. I may not be able to view all of it because I’m tired because I have to get up and actually work tomorrow since I don’t have czars to do my job for me. I’m curious as to how many times Bush (or Republicans in general) are gonna get blamed for his hugeass deficit which he owns.

Michelle looks pissed, as usual.

POTUS stopping for the sycophant asskissing and whispered reassurances and assorted sweet nothings and ass grabbings. Is Pelosi going to orgasm on the podium? Biden says “yay”, wonder if that line was written.

Oh, shit, he’s doing that back and forth teleprompter thing that makes me nauseated.

Wuh oh. He’s talking about times that tested the courage of our convictions. My conviction is that Congress and Obama need tarring and feathering.

WTF? The worst of the storm has passed? Guess he doesn’t know about the next group of mortgages to hit the fan.

Oh, children are writing to Obama asking why they had to leave their homes and when mommy and daddy will get a job. Yeah, right.

Drinking moment! HOPE!

We have a stubborn resilience in the face of adversity. We’re busy building cars, teaching kids, coaching little leagues, starting business, etc. Because of our great spirit, decency, and strength, he has never been more hopeful (DRINK!) about America’s future than he is tonight. (What, more money is out there for the Chicago graft machine?)

We should get a new government that matches our decency and embodies our strength? Woohooo! Pitchforks for everybody!

We all hated the bank bailout (bankers are eeeevil! Burn them!) He isn’t going to do what is popular, just what is necessary.

Transparency! Accountability! (DRINK!)

Obama gets standing ovation by taxing banks. Biden is grinnin’ like a possum eating poopie.

Obama cut taxes for 95% of working families! Hunh. Guess I ain’t one of them 95%. Sounds like a lie of the baldfaced variety to me.

Oh, Nancy Pelosi has that orgasm thing going on, leaping to her feet applauding. It was *very* good for her.

Oh, goody. The Recovery Act AKA the stimulus bill has us all working. Our disaster has been averted thanks to the Recovery Act. There are fake stories all across America about how businesses are hiring again.

He feels the pain of unemployed people. Shit. New jobs bill being called for tonight, and jobs are the focus for 2010. I hate to tell you this, TOTUS, but government doesn’t create jobs, it just fucks up the economy. Ooooooh, he just admitted American business creates jobs. His speechwriter understands economics? Financing is difficult for small business owners so he’s putting $30 billion into community banks to make small business loans. Pelosi is doing that jumping up orgasm again. Oooh, tax incentives for business, and elimination of capital gains taxes for small business. He’s going to put America to work today on the infrastructure for tomorrow. (Are we all going to be working in Disneyworld?) Oh, great, we’re getting the high speed train (wreck) in Florida.

Clean energy? How about energy that doesn’t require government subsidies to survive?

Wuh oh, bend over, he’s going to revamp our economy (through green energy? WTF?)

We have to fix the problems that hamper our growth such as financial reform. Sounds like he’s been talking to Mr. Paul Volcker.

Oh, shit, back to energy again. Green. Energy. Doesn’t. Work. At. An. Affordable. Price. Nuclear does. The sonofabitch just said that they were going to pass a climate bill that will tax the shit out of everything that isn’t “green” so that we can’t afford it and will switch to inefficient solar panels instead. The poor will, of course, have to freeze. Asshole. Oh, yeah, and we’re going to double our exports next year (and pigs will fly out his ass, no doubt.)

The dumb sumbitch doesn’t seem to have a clue that one of the big reasons manufacturing is relocating is electricity costs.

He believes in global warming. Enough said.

We’re going to turn around failing schools. Yadda yadda yadda. World class educations will raise you outta poverty. Yadda yadda yadda. Going to revitalize community colleges. Uh, last time I checked, they were already doing quite well. Oh, yeah, $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell grants. Oooooh, student loan debts will be forgiven in 10 years if you go into public service. We needs more community organizers.

Ahhhh, fuck, back to health insurance reform. Yeah, he doesn’t get it. He’s going to clear it up for all us dumbasses who don’t want it. Oh, gawd, back to stories he’s heard again. After centuries of trying, we are closer than ever to saving Americans from insurance companies. Thanking Michelle for working toward tackling childhood obesity. She still looks pissed. What’s up with that? Oh, we’re going to bring the deficit down by as much as a trillion dollars over the next two decades? Kiss my ass. Oh, he hasn’t explained it clearly enough to us. And Americans want to know what’s in it for me? Uh, no, that’s the policians. He’s not going to walk away from these Americans. Go ahead. Walk away. And don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. He wants to keep on beating that dead horse.

Oh, we’re in a massive debt hole. He’s going to set the record straight. He’s blaming it on Bush. WHAT a loser. Oh, his efforts to prevent a depression added a trillion to the national debt. It has nothing to do with his massive payoffs to supporters. He’s going to freeze government spending for 3 years. How about firing all your czars? That would save MILLIONS. He’s going to veto Nancy if the budget isn’t in tune? Yeah, she’ll botox your ass. We’re going to stick it to oil. We’re going to stick it to old people.

Ooooh, Joe actually beat Nancy to her feet this time. Does his paycheck depend on how fast he leaps to his feet to applaud like an idiot?

And speaking of idiots, Nancy has the poopie eating grin, too.

Blame Bush again! The moron section of Congress is jumping up like martinets, which they are.

Barry is calling for common sense. Enough said.

He actually said that he is cleaning up government. Bwahahahahaha! DRINK!

Oh, please. He is worried about foreign governments spending in our election, when he took millions (or more!) from Arabic governments? Please.

Earmark reform? Now he’s out in fantasyland. We know he’s lying.

Bipartisan? Uh, yeah, whatever. Joe Biden is nodding wisely like he’s in agreement. He’s probably thinking “and you will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes”. Obama’s above all these eeeevil partisan attacks and division and distrust n’ shit. Since the Democrats have the biggest majority in decades, they should ram home all his stupid ideas. The Republican leadership better play along or they’ll find a dead horse in their bed. Maybe it will be Nancy. She’s biting her lips nervously. Or maybe she’s just chewing her cud.

Joe Biden has a puzzled look on his face after looking down. Maybe he got a note that said “look intelligent”.

Oh, Obama wants to protect the rights of all Afghans, men, women, and terrorists alike. Oh, he’s ending the Iraq war. Guess the terrorists didn’t get that message. All troops are coming home. Good. Maybe their votes will all get counted this time. Call me a dreamer.

Michelle is going to support military families. They didn’t show a close up of her this time. Maybe because she’s devouring a military family.

Joe Biden is apparently counting his hair.

The U.S. and Russia are doing a new nuclear treaty which, IIRC, makes us lose most of our nuclear weapons.

North Korea is getting a very stern finger shaking. So is Iran. They will face consequences. That is a promise!

I bet they’re shaking now.

Climate change again. Kiss my ass. The temperature has been going down in Florida for awhile.

We’re doing shit because it is right. Or something. We’re supposed to be on the side of human rights and dignity, which is why he’s been performing oral sex on dictators like Hugo and Ahmadinejad.

Biden checks to see if hair is still there.

He’s throwing fish out for the seals clapping in the audience. Gay rights. Equal pay. Civil rights. Immigration reform. Biden and Pelosi peer at each other as though surprised to find out who is sitting next to them.

Heh. He used the example of eeevil corporate greed of why citizens have lost faith in corporations, yet hasn’t used the example of the incredible corruption in government as a reason as to why citizens want their government either kicked out or dead, and they’re not particular about which one.

“We are here because countless citizens did what was hard to keep the dream alive.” Yep, we need to kick out these assholes in order to keep America alive!

Oh, gawd. More pointless apocryphal stories.

Blame Bush again!

Count me unimpressed. Yeah, you Americans don’t like my ideas, so you’re getting them REGARDLESS, you dumbass shitkickers was what it sounded like to me.

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