Archive for February 1, 2011

So I Was Peacefully Coughing My Lungs Out

So there I was, peacefully coughing my lungs out while croaking advice to Dr. Watson on “The Hound of the Baskervilles”. He was noting that “Noooo. I will not shoot an unarmed man in the back” or some such shit while I was encouraging him to “Shoot him in the ass then! He’ll thank you for it!” in between bouts of paroxysmal coughing when SwampMan woke up from his snooze on his lazy chair.

“So, are you feeling better?”

“Hack hack hack gag cough hack hack hack.”

“You’re sounding better!”

“Gasp. Wheeze. Hack hack hack. Uh, yeah. I think I’ve moved up from feeling like dogshit hack hack cough wheeze to feeling like toe fungus.”

“Great! So what’s for supper? You want to go get a pizza?”

“Cough, hack, pause to blow out huge gobs of nasty mucus, uh, NO.”

“That’s okay. I’d rather you run up the store and get the stuff for Sloppy Joes anyway. That’s what I want for dinner.”

I ask you, would you want somebody that is dripping mucus and coughing with every inspiration to fix YOU dinner? I’m probably going to make him sick as a dog and, as I have noted before, when I’m sick I want to be left alone so I can get well or die. When he’s sick, he needs somebody to be fetchin’ and steppin’. When I felt really, REALLLY bad, I got up and went to the pharmacy for some OTC cold medicine. When HE feels really, really bad, I have to get up and go to the pharmacy for LOTS of OTC cold medicine. And give it to him. And bring him drinks. And food. And blankets. And the remote. And don’t cough so loud.

Dinner is cooking. I missed the Hound of the Baskervilles again. He had to drive me to Winn Dixie, though. I coughed the entire time. I don’t think he noticed.

What he did notice, though, was when I walked in the gate last night.

“WHAT the HELL did you do to your hair?”

I believe the last time I felt bad, I turned my hair orange. This time, the label said “dark golden blonde”. I thought dark blonde would be nice on my Lily Munster hair stripes. It would give some very subtle highlights, not as obvious as the white. The result was….interesting. They got the dark part down pretty well; it’s the golden and blonde part that was missing. I could understand SwampMan’s confusion. He went to sleep early leaving me without adult supervision (again), and wakes up an hour after I’ve left for work. Then he comes home and meets Goth MeeMaw. On the other hand, the white stripes are gone.

I need a new wardrobe. I don’t have anything in my closet to match my new hair. I announced that fact to SwampMan. He told me there was $13 on his computer desk. He advised me to buy a new hair color and bring him the change.


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