So I Was Peacefully Coughing My Lungs Out

So there I was, peacefully coughing my lungs out while croaking advice to Dr. Watson on “The Hound of the Baskervilles”. He was noting that “Noooo. I will not shoot an unarmed man in the back” or some such shit while I was encouraging him to “Shoot him in the ass then! He’ll thank you for it!” in between bouts of paroxysmal coughing when SwampMan woke up from his snooze on his lazy chair.

“So, are you feeling better?”

“Hack hack hack gag cough hack hack hack.”

“You’re sounding better!”

“Gasp. Wheeze. Hack hack hack. Uh, yeah. I think I’ve moved up from feeling like dogshit hack hack cough wheeze to feeling like toe fungus.”

“Great! So what’s for supper? You want to go get a pizza?”

“Cough, hack, pause to blow out huge gobs of nasty mucus, uh, NO.”

“That’s okay. I’d rather you run up the store and get the stuff for Sloppy Joes anyway. That’s what I want for dinner.”

I ask you, would you want somebody that is dripping mucus and coughing with every inspiration to fix YOU dinner? I’m probably going to make him sick as a dog and, as I have noted before, when I’m sick I want to be left alone so I can get well or die. When he’s sick, he needs somebody to be fetchin’ and steppin’. When I felt really, REALLLY bad, I got up and went to the pharmacy for some OTC cold medicine. When HE feels really, really bad, I have to get up and go to the pharmacy for LOTS of OTC cold medicine. And give it to him. And bring him drinks. And food. And blankets. And the remote. And don’t cough so loud.

Dinner is cooking. I missed the Hound of the Baskervilles again. He had to drive me to Winn Dixie, though. I coughed the entire time. I don’t think he noticed.

What he did notice, though, was when I walked in the gate last night.

“WHAT the HELL did you do to your hair?”

I believe the last time I felt bad, I turned my hair orange. This time, the label said “dark golden blonde”. I thought dark blonde would be nice on my Lily Munster hair stripes. It would give some very subtle highlights, not as obvious as the white. The result was….interesting. They got the dark part down pretty well; it’s the golden and blonde part that was missing. I could understand SwampMan’s confusion. He went to sleep early leaving me without adult supervision (again), and wakes up an hour after I’ve left for work. Then he comes home and meets Goth MeeMaw. On the other hand, the white stripes are gone.

I need a new wardrobe. I don’t have anything in my closet to match my new hair. I announced that fact to SwampMan. He told me there was $13 on his computer desk. He advised me to buy a new hair color and bring him the change.


21 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Robert D said,

    I’ll hold comment, I really don’t want to lose you as a friend. And in the odd chance we ever meet in real life, I don’t want Swanpman to kill me.

  2. 5

    Croc hunter said,

    Get well soon Swampie.

  3. 6

    kae said,

    Everyone knows that men are always sicker than women.

    Your coughing fits reminded me of something else about my ex.

    If I got sick and was coughing, particularly in the car with him (I used to get post infection irritation cough after flu, and I’d always cover my mouth when I coughed), he would get cranky with me and ask me to stop coughing, “Do you have to keep doing that? Can’t you stop that?”.

    He was such an asshole.

    • 7

      kcduffy said,

      I wonder…mine just stuffs any rude remarks till I send him over the edge. It used to be a “we need to talk” routine 3 or 4 times a year, topped with a royal ‘talking to’ at New Year’s, expounding and explaining all my faults and mistakes and rudenesses and anything else that was self-serving and self-centered. Don’t get ’em as often since we quit drinking, but I still send him over the edge.

      Today, he changed the pattern and hitched up the camper while I was gone and left.

    • 8

      swampie said,

      (grin) If SwampMan sat down and enumerated all my faults, it would take at least two days. He knows that I have trouble feigning interest after five minutes, so he has to be brief and to the point.

      • 9

        kcduffy said,

        Well, see, most of the really easy ones he’d give me a few at a time over a period of a few weeks. Then there’d be a need for me to hear EXACTLY what wrongs I had committed, how many times I’d embarrassed him or shamed him by saying something stupid or rude or selfish. I really have VERY FEW redeeming characteristics, and the ones I did have are diminishing with age. 😉

  4. 10

    kae said,

    It’s times like these we must remember that:

    Women’s faults are many
    Men have only two
    Everything they say and
    Everything they do.

    • 11

      swampie said,

      I got married against my better judgement. It was the only time I let my heart overrule my head. I have no regrets, except he ate my last cookie. That was MY cookie. He ate all the rest. He grabbed it on the way out the door this morning. Sumbitch.

      Well, except for the cookie snitching, it’s been good.

  5. 12

    no2liberals said,

    This coming March will be the 38th anniversary of being happily divorced.
    A friend once asked me if I was ever going to re-marry. I told him I nearly did twice, but both times the same thing happened and I called it off.
    He asked what happened that caused me to call them off?
    I said, both women started talking about moving in with me after the marriage.

    • 13

      kcduffy said,

      I was happily divorced in 1983, Kae. Why oh why did I decide to change that!

    • 14

      kcduffy said,

      No, not a fair question. I got married so it was easy to follow the man I loved who’d joined the Navy. Then I got pregnant. And it was easier, somehow, to stay married.

      • 15

        swampie said,

        I reckon most people prefer to stick with comfort. If it’s more comfortable to stay married, they will. If it’s more comfortable to leave, they will.

    • 16

      swampie said,

      Dang! What in the world will you do to celebrate the 38th anniversary of not being married?

      • 17

        no2liberals said,

        I don’t know what or if I will celebrate this one. I may just wait for the 40th for a big ol’party.
        For the first five years I always threw a party and bought my guests gifts.
        I was sooooo happy to be shed of that beeyotch.
        The best part is I have two wonderful daughters, three fantastic grandbabies and neither of my daughters will have anything to do with her.

  6. 18

    swampie said,

    Aaaaaah, grandbabies. So much more fun than the children were!

    (Maybe because if they act out in public, they reflect on Mommy and Daddy, not us!)

    • 19

      kae said,


      You can always give them back!

      • 20

        swampie said,

        That’s IT! I can get them hyped up on candy and caffeine, and hand them back to mommy and daddy! Bwahahahaha! Ahhhh, revenge is SWEET.

    • 21

      no2liberals said,

      What I enjoy is just looking at them with awe and amazement, that I had anything to do with such wonderful little people, without the worries of a parent.
      That’s their parents job, I just get to have fun with them and enjoy them.
      The sugar involved is from all the hugs and kisses.

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