Archive for August 26, 2013

Saw Palmetto Harvest Time!

I saw some folks out harvesting saw palmetto berries up in Georgia over the weekend. It probably wasn’t their property and it was probably illegal but, as far as I’m concerned, anybody that puts the effort into harvesting saw palmetto berries probably needs the money pretty damn bad.

SwampMan pointed out that since I was not currently working, perhaps I should go pick some saw palmetto berries and try to sell them. “Um, NO!” I said firmly. “I don’t think that I could possibly pick and sell enough palmetto berries, assuming that I don’t get arrested for trespassing and theft, to pay for my antivenin for the snakebites from the big ass timber rattlers that like to hang out under the fronds.”

SwampMan told me he had that part all figured out. “I’ve already thought of that!” he said. “I’ll put a platform on the 3-point hitch on the tractor, and drive out in the woods. Then you can stand on that platform and joog a stick around underneath the palmetto real good to see if there are any rattlers, killer bees, hornets, yellow jackets or wasp nests before you get down and pick ’em.”

Yet somehow I passed up that opportunity.

SwampMan sighed. “So, have you considered starting a meth lab?” Well. There would be no spiders. No snakes. No hornets. No wasps. Sounds better already! Plus, the wildlife folk wouldn’t be giving me grief about depriving black bears of their sustenance if I had a meth lab. I’d have to act all contrite in front of a judge about stealing wildlife food in the form of saw palmetto berries when in actuality I wouldn’t care whether the damn bears starved or not if I was hungry enough myself to be out there whacking hornet nests and rattlesnakes away from palmettos.

Unfortunately, I have heard people refer to making meth as “cooking” meth. Oh, dang. I have never followed a recipe without “improving” it in my life. I googled it and there are all sorts of instructions. I wonder if the penalties for that are more severe than peddling, say, cookies that I baked in my own oven without a license, tax ID and health inspection? I wonder how many law enforcement agencies are now reading my blog?

I can see it now. My grandkids’ friends may ask my grandkids why they aren’t visiting their grandmother this summer, and they would have to say something like “Oh. Grammaw is doing 20 years in prison.” “Dude, did she kill somebody?” “No, she was baking and selling cookies without a license and she didn’t declare it on her income taxes.” “Bummer. She shoulda started a meth lab.”

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