Florida Blue called. They wanted to do a survey with SwampMan, who still has insurance, and not the 300,000 people that they suddenly decided to drop from their insurance coverage. Go figure. I suspect that SwampMan, who still has insurance, might be more inclined to rate them highly than those people that were suddenly dropped with no warning. SUCKERS!
SwampMan did not want to talk on the phone. I told the lady that he didn’t want to talk to her. “Do you know the answers to the questions?” she asked.
“Well, I might have an inkling on one or two,” I told her.
“Fine, I’ll ask you.”
Most of the questions were about his satisfaction with his doctors, his care, his policy. So, I relayed the questions to SwampMan when I didn’t know, who told me his answers, and I relayed them to the lady doing the survey who was really earning her money on this one. Questions like “How would the policy holder rate his mental outlook and status? Excellent, Above Average, Good, Fair, or Poor?” I think there may have been another choice in there somewhere, but I forget what it was.
“SwampMan! They want to know your mental status and outlook, and raving lunatic isn’t a choice, so he’p me out here!” I yelled across to SwampMan.
“Is it on a scale of 1 to 5?” he yelled back.
“No, it’s more on the scale of ‘hand me the big knife’ to ‘zippity doo dah, zippity ay, my oh my what a wonderful day…'”.
“Hunh?” says SwampMan.
“The choices are something like Piss Poor to Excellent.”
“Piss poor is a choice?”
“Well, maybe not in those exact words, but that’s what they meant.”
“Well, I’m excellent then, of course.”
“You are NOT.”
He would only settle for above average. I told the lady that he SAID that he was above average on his mental status and outlook.
“Okay!” she said with relief. “Now we come to the demographic portion. Is he white?”
“Not really. He’s more tannish.”
“No, his race. Is he WHITE?”
“Is white a race? I think you mean is he Caucasoid.”
“That’s not a choice.”
“He’s never been DNA tested so we can’t be sure about the percentage of Neanderthal, but I can say with certainty that he’s a Heinz 57. In appearance, he’s mostly Neanderthal-Caucasian.”
The lady sighed at the other end. “Okay, let’s try this again. He can choose more than one category. I’ve checked white. Is he Hispanic?”
Since when did Hispanic become a race? Who designed these questionnaires? “Can you shake any Hispanics outta that family tree, baby?”
“He said no.”
I looked carefully at SwampMan. I could not see any discernible Asiatic features. “Not that I can see.”
“Any of your relatives from Samoa or Tahiti?”
“What kind of dumbass question is that? NO.”
“He denies any Pacific Islander ancestry.”
“Well, yeah, his family HAS lived in the south since the 1700s.”
“What was that?” queried SwampMan.
“She wanted to know if you were part black.”
“Well, great grandma on my momma’s side….”
“Well, that’s what I told her.” Everybody’s pretty mixed that’s been here for awhile, although they pretend not, regardless of race. Besides, George Zimmerman had a black grandparent and was darker than many prominent “black” leaders, but he was counted as white. “This whole racial thing confuses me.”
“American Indian?” she inserted, interrupting our conversation.
“Oh, definitely!” I assured her. Crap. I think Amerindian is a subset of Asian. See how little I remembered about race from my anthropology classes? *sigh* Come to think of it, most of what I learned in anthropology class has since been changed because it was incorrect, and it may still be incorrect.
After we got off the phone, SwampMan said “Maybe we should get some DNA testing done, because how do we really know what the heck we are?”
“I dunno!” I told him. “My maternal grandpa was a Cajun, and he definitely had a ‘fro, but I think his momma was a Hungarian. Then there’s Germans, Jews, Scots, maybe some Indians, and who knows who else? I identify as a Caucasian because it’s easier than telling people that I don’t really know my background beyond a generation or two, and I am for sure Casper white. But I do know one thing for sure….”
“And what’s that?” asked SwampMan.
“If either one of us shows significant amounts of Neanderthal DNA, we’re going to claim minority status as Neanderthal-Americans.”