Archive for May 22, 2014

Doin’ the Spider Dance at Midnight

I suddenly realized about midnight that my White Rock hens were not locked up and, more importantly, I had no feed in the pen for when they wake in the morning. After the eggs are laid for the day sometime in the late afternoon (these girls are late layers rather than early layers), I open the gate to their pen to allow them to roam free and dine on weeds and bugs. I forgot to lock my hens up safely for the night a couple weeks ago, and one disappeared. All that was left was a few white feathers. Since a red fox lives in the wooded patch directly in front of us, I fear that my large, gentle hen was the dinner guest of honor in a fox den.

I grumped my way outside to get a scoop of feed. Inside the pen, three ducks had decided to spend the night as well. The three of them would eat as much as a whole pen of White Rocks, so I was chasing them around to try to get them out. They didn’t WANT to go out. They wanted to stay inside and eat. As I was chasing the ducks out, I ran face first into a spider web.

Did I mention my spider phobia?

I went into my full rehearsal for Dancing With the Spastics. I was jumping around, brushing off my face, waving my hands, and screaming “getitoffmegetitoffmegetitoffme”. The chickens started squawking loud distress cries because whatever scared me, they wanted no part of. I can see their point. If, for example, I was being held captive by a giant human-eating T. Rex that suddenly, in the middle of feeding my village their rations for the next day, started doing a frenzied screaming dance all over the food, I’d probably be perturbed as well. Then the beam of light from the flashlight that I still held in one hand crossed my vision at about chest level, and I saw it. Apparently this spider was some sort of Special Forces golden orb spider, for it was grimly and determinedly climbing that web attached across my face, and was heading straight up to my nose. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! That spastic dance with weird gesticulations got shifted into overdrive. I added leaps and pirouettes. The spider fell almost the ground, then started climbing again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! More leaps, pirouettes, and waving motions. I nearly took my own nose off with the flashlight as I was slapping at the spider. Eventually the spider decided that maybe it should abandon the biggest fly it had ever caught in its web, and make its way to safety.

I suppose I better go strip, burn my clothing, and take another shower just to be sure its gone.

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Two More Weeks to Granddaughter #3!

Tuesday was a wonderful day! It was the sort of spring day that made you happy to be alive. It was the sort of day to run nekkid through the yard chasing butterflies in the breeze. You’ll be happy to know that I resisted the urge to run nekkid through the yard out of consideration for the neighbors, but it was difficult. Plus, the yellow flies are beginning to buzz about, and there are places where I’d prefer not to have the painful, itchy bites. That was actually more of a deterrent than the neighbor sensibilities, come to think of it.

I washed laundry and hung it on the line to dry. I fed livestock. I washed breakfast dishes, then vacuumed the house. After all those chores were done, I allowed myself to have fun. I went to the beach. I went to thrift stores looking for clothes for granddaughter #3. I tried calling a friend to meet me for lunch, but she was still in Germany. (How long can you stay in Germany, anyway? Come home so I don’t drink Margaritas alone! Geez! Why do I have to be the poor friend? Oh, right. Unemployment.) I met another friend when I was at a nursery looking at things to plant and kill, and we talked right there between the plants for over two hours, taking up real estate and parking, and finally each of us ended up buying a couple bags of of dirt that was on clearance for half off. DEFINITELY chalk that up to a loss in the retail column for that establishment.

I called my husband to find out what type of dead meat he’d like to have charred on the grill that night for dinner. “I’b so siiiiick! Just get me sub soup from the Chinese place.” Well. That was easy! Then I realized that I hadn’t talked to my daughter about her after-work doctor’s appointment, so I called to see how that was going.

“I guess you haven’t talked to dad!” she said. “But when I called, he sounded like he was out of it.”

“Yeah, he has some kinda near lethal killer cold virus. Probably MERS!” I told her. “I’m trying to avoid being in the same room with him if at all possible because I don’t want to be sick when Lila is born.”

“Then he didn’t mention I was in the hospital?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAT?” I dunno, you would think that he would mention such a thing about his only daughter, but I suppose he was too busy contemplating his own mortality and the prospect of dying from a cold virus four days before school was out for the summer. Don’t get me wrong, that would suck, but still. I’d have to speed over to the other side of town to care for Zoe, Dylan, and Jacob should she get an emergency c-section, too.

“Yeah, I was having contractions that I didn’t even feel at the doctor’s office so they put me in the hospital. Hopefully they’ll stop because I need my paycheck plus I get five paid days off over Memorial Day weekend (including the weekend) AND I WANT MY VACATION, DAMNIT!”

So, the contractions stopped. She went home. People where she works are scared to death the baby is just going to rip its way out of her tummy and start screaming something like “FEED ME, Seymour!” because her belly, after five pregnancies, needs its own zipcode. She intends to work through the day before delivery, but I dunno.

So, today I’ve been sitting inside near the phone for half the day, waiting to see what happened at this doctor’s appointment. They’ll do measurements and guesstimate her (Lila’s!) weight and gestational age again. I was getting alarmed that I hadn’t heard anything because it’s nearly 11:30 a.m. I was worried about going outside to hang up another load of laundry to dry in case I miss her call. I haven’t even vacuumed or ran the dishwasher. Then I realized that this is THURSDAY. Her appointment is FRIDAY.

D’oh.

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