Today was Biopsy Day for Mom up in Georgia, so Zoe, Lila and I were shoehorned into the front cab of my ol’ red F150 truck. Old red Ford trucks were not built with car seats for children and infants in mind. We were driving along in the quiet predawn when Zoe suddenly started screaming loudly. It was the sort of screech that I would let out if a giant tarantula started tap dancing on my nose, or a snake decided to take up habitation in my pants leg. I nearly hit the roof of the truck. I jumped, started looking around wildly for cobras or zombies, and yelled “What? WHAT IS IT?”
Zoe sobbed “There’s a FWY in the TRUCK!”
What? Breathebreathebreathe. Count to 10. Count to 25. Count down from 100 using serial sevens. Reflect that this is a test used to detect mental impairment and what does it say about my marbles or lack of them that I can’t do serial sevens while driving down the road in the dark while a preschooler is screaming and scaring the baby? (Ha ha, I lied. I can’t do them in the daylight when there’s no noise outside, either. Or maybe I just won’t.) Wonder if this is a reflective question like I learned about in psychology years ago. Remember that I really don’t remember crap about most of my college classes and that they were, for the most part, a waste of money and time that I will never get back again. Get depressed all over again. Ask about the fly.
“Uh, I don’t see any fly! Where is it?”
It’s right THERE, MeeMaw! It’s on the window, and it’s going to get me or baby Lila!”
A small mosquito was buzzing haplessly against the windshield.
“Uh, this is the fly?” I asked, pointing at it.
“YES!” she sobbed.
“Okay, MeeMaw will kill him for you!” I told her, and squished the mosquito on the INSIDE of my windshield. Yeah, that left a mark, but she stopped being totally freaked out about it. On the other hand, if the Supreme Being is in Mosquito form, I’m in deep shit.
A1A South 
kcduffy said,
September 20, 2014 @ 6:05 pm
If Supreme Being is stoopid enough to be a fly anywhere around your little Darlin’ – HeSheItWhatever has proven to be NOTsoDangSupreme.
Hope your mum’s thing goes ok. I’m up for -oscopy the first of October…
swampie said,
October 11, 2014 @ 10:37 pm
Well, it didn’t.
arch said,
October 1, 2014 @ 10:36 pm
Just wanted to thank you for your help in relaying messages when I got banned off the banned of brothers site for 30 days. Thank you Swampwoman! Also we received a certified letter in the mail from the City of Norwood/Young America that gave us a 14 day notice to get rid of our two backyard chickens or comply with the permit fee and insane regulations. We have had the chickens for two years with not a problem until the neighbors had a building inspection for their remodeling and the inspector noticed our two little hens in their pen and coop made out of the kid’s swingset/Clubhouse we built in 2000.
They require a 50 buck application fee for the permit and inspections plus want the coop to be a permanent structure with electrical.plumbing, and roof to match existing house complete with hvac air exchanger. Chicken runs are to be invisible by landscaping or privacy fence from all neighbors. and a Minnesota certified vet must sign off on a health certificate every year..They are paranoid of histoplamosis infection because of an issue by another backyard chicken incident between neighbors that one claimed that the neighbors three chickens caused the infection of the eyes of hisoplasmosis of her eyes. Anyway we are giving our two hens to my buddy and his girl friend who raise 50 laying hens in an elaborate operation. We are lucky that they agreed to take them in as they are like pets to us and we like them. I would never butcher them for meat as I got too attached to the little characters who fly up on my lap and eat out of my hands. They are two years old and will lay eggs for a year more or so for my buddy.and I can still see them when I work there or visit. City council had the zoning board make the regulations and even though they approved the backyard chicken law, it is way too stupid and makes it impossible to raise healthy chickens. We emailed the council of the situation and let them know we are getting rid of the hens for their own well being as the regulations in the law make it impossible to raise healthy chickens and actually endanger them to disease and parasites if we comply with their ignorant law.obviously written by those individuals with no knowledge of healthy backyard chicken raising and in fact demands endangerment by annual vet visits that risk infection of disease and closed coop environment that actually fortifies histoplamosis and other infectious molds that open air coops deny. Damn people cannot leave others alone. Not one neighbor complained for two years and the city did not know they existed until the inspector noticed them while doing the neighbor’s home remodeling inspection. Damn!!!!
kcduffy said,
October 2, 2014 @ 1:31 pm
We would’ve had chickens in Jacksonville if we didn’t have an obnoxious a$$hole next door I’m positive would’ve turned us in to the city.
When we moved to Minnesota (I was 18), my dad took us out and showed us a beautiful new Planned Community. All your draconion rules were what he listed – all paint colours must be approved by council, trash cans, draperies, must all be approved by council, no cars in the driveway, no flowers/shrubs/trees that clash, doghouses & mailboxes must meet council approval, etc …I knew even then it wouldn’t be a way for me to enjoy life.
swampie said,
October 11, 2014 @ 10:27 pm
Oh, dang. I’m so sorry to hear that, Arch. I’ve been too busy to even check my own website lately. How screwed up is that?
swampie said,
October 11, 2014 @ 10:37 pm
And no problem with the message relay. Most all of us feel the same way, but some folk get all butt hurt if it’s said out loud because they don’t want the FBI asking awkward questions.