My Plans Are Not Exactly Coming Together

Well.  I had actual plans for this summer.  Oh, sure, I have  the usual goals like “lose weight and become beautiful” but, since I’m middle-aged and holding on for dear life, that weight loss might not be such a good idea after all.  You know.  Gravity and wrinkles.   So, part b of that goal would have to be to see a famous plastic surgeon in a burning building or being menaced by a surly middle schooler, rescue him or her and, when said miracle worker of the flesh pledged undying gratitude, to say “Okay, we’re going to start that undying gratitude with a full body lift to put things back to where they used to be.”  How likely would that be? 

Unfortunately, I don’t have any cash to pay said plastic sag eraser, so I decided that maybe I better move on to the next item on my list, which would be to have a squeaky clean house with my clutter all conquered and everything so neatly arranged that a complete stranger could burgle the house and be able to put his hands on all the valuables immediately because they were where they were supposed to be and not on the shelf with the gluten-free cake mixes.  But I don’t really have any valuables, and why would I want to make it easy for some damn burglar anyway?   Well, I suppose the gluten-free cake mixes are valuables.   And if a burglar breaks into my house, I’m gonna hand him (or her) the tools of the cleaning trade and set back and supervise their work and be real bitchy about it. 

Unfortunately, no burglars have broken into my house (Hey, I’ve got valuables!  Really!) and I find that somehow I’m not all that enthusiastic about doing the whole organization thing all by myself.  I’d rather have somebody else do it at gunpoint while I make suggestions and criticize their work. 

So, the next item on the list is landing another job on account of I’ve got about two or three weeks’ worth of money to buy animal feed and groceries before I run out of cash.  I spoke with a friend and coworker about this earlier in the week.  She wanted to know what I was looking for.  “Another job!” I explained.  “No, doing what?”  Good question.  “Anything that pays money, although I think Hooters is out of the question because of the age thing.  Maybe I could sue for age discrimination?”  Being a Walmart greeter would probably be out of the question, too.  “Welcome to Walmart.  Now take this stupid cart before I shove it up your…” “SWAMPIE!” “Uh, have a nice shopping experience today and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”  The bad thing about looking for a job today is that there are other actual people out there looking for jobs, too, that are young, attractive, cheap, pleasant, and have actual qualifications like being a NASA scientist which kinda sucks for the rest of us.

I wouldn’t mind a job which entails flying around the world and pissing off people, reading speeches off a teleprompter, screwing up city traffic during rush hour, and blaming the previous employee for all the screw ups that have happened while I’ve been on the job, but that one is already taken.

6 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    kae said,

    Like reorganising the linen cupboard.

    You get it all out and by that time you’re over it!

    • 2

      swampie said,

      EXACTLY! You take it all out, realize nothing matches, decide to throw it all away and start over, realize you have no money to buy matching stuff anyway, and there it sits on every available surface while you ponder the next step.

      • 3

        swampie said,

        Of course, you might have actual money to buy matching stuff, so you just toss out the old stuff, buy new stuff, but don’t wash it because it all fits nicely in the linen closet while it’s squished into those little plastic packages. Stacks nicely, too.

      • 4

        kcduffy said,

        None of my stuff matches. My mom bought me 2 yellow towels about 6 years ago, my hubby bought 3 brown bath towels & 3 brown hand towels later that same year. The yellow ones are almost white, and the brown ones are 3 different shades of brown because I often bleach them (the brown ones by accident).

        I have a matching set of sheets because I requested and got them for Christmas.

        When my Friend Angie asked me if something I got for my aaniversary would go with my decor, I said, “Of course! ‘Decor in my house means I love it.’ It’s a hodge podge of misfits & things I adore. “Matching” stuff must be sooooo boring… 8)

      • 5

        swampie said,

        NOTHING matches. I have old chairs and new chairs, old shelves and new shelves. EVERYTHING is mismatched. As for towels and linens, I’ll gladly use purple pillowcases with red sheets. Just so long as I got ‘em, I’m okay.

      • 6

        kcduffy said,

        Me, too! “Shabby chic” may be a style of decor, but mine is more like prairie farmhouse/yard sale/thrift store classic.


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