SwampMan Gotta Turn In His Redneck Credentials Now For Sure

November 11, 2011 · Filed under life in Florida

I have been very abusive to poor SwampMan today. Oh, yes, I have! First of all, on the way out to do some Christmas shopping and pick up feed, I insisted we eat breakfast sitting down inside. No franchises. No drive through. Just a locally-owned place with politically incorrect cooking. The kinda place where if you want to make a fuss about a low salt, low-fat diet, you can just piss off because nobody invited your Yankee ass in there to begin with. And eggs are cooked in bacon grease like Gawd intended.

SwampMan, being the unsocial butterfly that he is, wanted to protest loudly in his man whine that there might be people there that he knows, and they might want to talk to him! Oh, the horror! “Deal with it!” I suggested unsympathetically and forcefully. SwampMan’s sociability index, never high at any point, has been diving deeper the more hard of hearing that he has become. If I were to meet an unfortunate (from my point of view, of course. There are other viewpoints.) demise, SwampMan would probably go live in the swamp somewhere and not come out again, content with his mute and people-free lifestyle.

So, inside we went, with SwampMan grumbling in what he erroneously thought was a low voice about how All Those People Taking Up Tables ought to have their butts at work. His worst fears were realized. People actually spoke to him.

He wanted to do some more grumpy grumbling to me at the table, but I was having none of it. I was in a happy mood, damnit, and he wasn’t going to pee on my sunshine today!

Then he wanted to criticize what I was going to get for Christmas for the grandkids and how kids today had things too easy and didn’t need Christmas presents, etc. Oh no, he ain’t said that!

“Bullshit!” I announced firmly.

“What did you say?”

“BULLSHIT! If you like, I can sign it for you, too. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit!”

He was highly diverted. “Does that REALLY mean bullshit?”

“Yes.”

“Do it again!”

I have a bad feeling that that will probably be featured in one of his classes this week.

But the worst part of the day for poor SwampMan was yet to come.

I purchased the gift I was looking for at Target. Then we went to Home Depot and Lowe’s, neither of which had the copper flashing that SwampMan was looking for for his doll house model house, or the galvanized pans that I wanted for the bottom of my 5-gallon chicken feeders. Dang. I needed a caffeine boost pronto.

“SwampMan!” I said, not sure of how this was going to go. “I need you to go through the Starbucks drive through on our way back.”

“What do you need?” he asked, curiously.

“I need a Pumpkin Spice Latte or a Gingerbread Spice Latte.”

“What the hell is THAT?”

“Flavored coffee.”

“Sounds disgusting.”

“Well, it’s good. You wanna try one?”

“Uh, no. What do they have that I might like?”

“How about hot chocolate?”

He made a sound like a cat coughing up a hairball. A really big, disgusting hairball. “What else?”

“You might like a mocha latte…”

“What the hell is THAT?”

“Uh, chocolate coffee.”

“Does it taste like coffee?” he asked suspiciously. Hunh. How do you answer that? Yes? No? Sorta?

“Well, get a tall one and, if you don’t like it, I’ll drink it.”

“Why would I get a tall one if I’m not gonna like it?”

“Because it’s the small size.”

“The tall one is the small one?”

“You got it!”

“How much is this gonna cost me?”

“About $4 each.”

“WHAT?”

When we got our order, SwampMan admired the sleeve on the cup. “That is really slick! I like that!” Then he admired the lil’ drinking hole in the cup. “That’s really nice, too! I wonder who thought all this stuff up?” He tasted his Mocha Latte. He didn’t offer it back to me.

“That was really good!” SwampMan said. “Next time, I’m gonna get a big one!”

“So there’s gonna be a next time, is there?” I asked.

SwampMan lamented that he guessed this meant he was gonna have to turn in his RSA membership immediately. “RSA membership?”

“My membership in the Redneck Society of America. We don’t do Starbucks. At least, not until today.”